July [18] 2008



Of the two I prefer the cat,

yet frankly through this harried life

I’ve been sniffed, watered, and barked at

by the dingle-brained dog

PEOPLE, and that’s no cowbone Fluffy…


Dogpeople, you

seem so charmed by drooling jowls

and neurotic tails that wag for you.

You ask:  Does a dog have buddha-nature?

I will tell you —

No, he does not.

With all due respect to you Lassie and Toto,

learn some friggin new  tricks, won’t you?

As a freely converted catperson today

I much prefer

to earn my loyalties should we befriend,

not hook them in like muslim zealots

with brownish stale dead horse-MEAT pellets,

nor tickle their soft tender breasted red bellies,

nor rejoice in their self-sniffing foul jellies.

Dogmeat for hire. Stop rolling in it Rover.

Could it be much worse?

You mangy dogmatics may think us snidely “cool cat” types —

your regular back-alley mice-spikers and the like

but for us it’s the momentary things

that dot our yellow eyes

like an empty paperbag on the floor

or any other unfilled space to explore.

After all, are not all compounded things

but empty bags on the floor?

And that allergy thing’s a feeble excuse

you dogpeople use

to mask your AGORA (not An gora )

PHOBIA in some arcane quasi-medical truth.

Dander panderers I call you. Scarfing your liver Alpo.

Hey Sparky: bubbling slobber does not a beef gravy make!

But the true catperson worth his pus ‘n boots

is not some dry and heartless cad (or cod)

insofar as cold-blooded lizards get mouthed by his pet,

nor is he or she CATTY because

urine bleached carseats will need a good week’s airing

after those terror trips to the neighborhood VET.

I would simply ask you–

Is not unflinching ledge-leaping a thing of higher beauty?

Sure you dogpeople have your park partners to walk with–

those fluffy emanations of animalia

proudly fetching your wet, gummed, and peeling

red rubber pooch balls–

Oh great fun my little wagging man!  Woof.

But the pure land of cat love

leaves no scent of self-cherishing

upon the elegant soft-striped front paw,

nor will it officiate blue ribbons of obediance

upon the purring, self-purifying sandpapery tongue;

We catpeople are offended

by all forms of pet trickery–

your canine’s boney carcass healing on its hindlegs,

Little Frenchie wagging her white button

as she oils your oleander leaves

us to regurgitate like the mentally-challenged cow–

we transcend this slave and masterhood

when left simply to behold sweet Miss Tabatha’s

perfect tracking of one tedious housefly,

or the supreme mystery of nine lives,

or the universal, indeed legendary, disdain

for all bodies of water

(perhaps it is more a wise reverence)

like an old jungle soul from the days of the first tigers…

(Oh please, no growling dogpeople)–

We already fear your fangs

and detest your incessant yapping.

And FORGET about trying to train us otherwise.

We don’t take kindly to training thank-you–

a simple squirt of catnip will suffice.

Purr puppiedog people, lick your paws and purr.


Postscript: I’ve recently be chastened by the new love of my life, my cockapoo Abbey Rose (or “Budgie”).  Sorry dogpeople, no offense meant.  We hope you will lift the lifetime ban and allow us into YOUR  park on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons (3-5 PM) without a leash. (You will also be happy to know that our two old cats, Angel and Leeney, have been demoted to the bedroom floor at night  : }



One Response to “CATS AND DOGS”

  1. "Kimberly" Says:

    “I tried out perfect tracking but the truth is I make almost twice as much money with CPALead

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